Expatriotical

Episode 59: How I've Changed Because of Being an Expat

• Season 1 • Episode 59

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It's impossible to avoid changing, but Chandra has found that being an expat has caused her to change for the better. Sit down with her today as she explores the different ways that living life as an expat has caused her to change and grow.

Plus keep listening to the end for an absolutely delicious cafe where you get a little bit of New Mexico in the heart of Paris!


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"Live and Travel in the Know" with Expatriotical!

Bienvenue, Benvenuti, and Welcome to Expatriotical, the podcast for expats, travelers, and other adventurous souls. I’m Chandra Alley and after living as an expat with my husband and 4 children in two different countries for 6 years, I’ve learned the arts of pivoting during pitfalls, traveling tastefully for less, and soaking in amazing new cultures without losing your own.


Join me, as we dive into the joys and challenges of travel and the expat life in every episode!


Hello everyone, I hope that you are enjoying this beautiful first Wednesday in April! Actually, as I record this, it's March still, but it's been prettya beautiful. Nonetheless, the weather is really trying. The buds in the trees are blossoming, the tulips and daffodils that are planted in my neighborhood are opening up, and it's just starting to finally be a bit warmer. And I'm really enjoying and soaking up every minute of it!


Today we're going to be talking about how I feel like I have changed because of being an expat. That's a little bit of a philosophical topic, but there are a lot of practical ways that I've either fully changed, or things that I knew were already present in me have become very much accentuated.


So I'm writing this as a way for you to think about how you have changed since becoming an expat or if you are thinking about becoming an expat how you might change or hope to change.


To start things off with, I'm going to say a very practical change, and that is that I walk almost everywhere. The very obvious reason why I do that is because we only have one car and my husband, Chris, needs it to drive to work every weekday. But, in fairness, we could have considered purchasing another car, but my friend Mallory, whom I’ve mentioned a lot, and whom I had the pleasure of interviewing last year, you can hear or listen to Episode 20: Learning to pivot with Mallory Steinbach, to hear more.


She and her husband, encouraged me to reconsider when we were about to move here from Italy and at that time I was insistent upon getting a car. As a backstory, when we lived about 30 miles south of the center of Milan, Italy, we again only had one car. But I kind of lived in the country, literally the Cascina, the community I lived in, was surrounded by rice fields.


So I either had to walk or ride my bike, pulling a trailer with children, to get groceries, or to go to the post office, or wait until I have the car on the weekend to do any of those things like go to the mall or what have you.


And after living like that for four years, I was ready to have a car so I could have easy access and it wouldn't take me hours to buy food for my family.


But Mallory and her husband had lived in Paris once before and had said that during that time they didn't have a car. They said that the public transportation system was fantastic and that I really wouldn't need one.


So we settled on buying one car, at least until I'd figured out the system and decided if I felt like they were correct. Needless to say they were! Paris has a fantastic public transportation system. Especially the metros, trams, and trains. The buses are OK, but of course they are more subject to being delayed by car traffic, so they are not my favorite mode of transportation as they are not as reliable as the other types.


But even when I was in Italy, I did enjoy walking, and now that I don't have to walk a mile and a half to the grocery store or the market, I enjoy it much more! I love that here I'm able to walk to pick up my kids from school, walk to the market, walk to a couple different metro lines, easily, I just love it! Even when the weather isn't great, which this past school year has been often, I know that I'm getting fresh air. I'm getting exercise and all of that is good for me.


And I also know that when we move from here, if we move back to America, especially, I'm going to miss that built-in time of exercise and outdoor enjoyment because it’s so spread out that you drive everywhere, a lot.


Another really large category in which I've changed, but not because I wasn't open to it, but because I had had less experience prior to becoming an expat, is cultural awareness.


I've always been fascinated with other cultures. I think that's part of the reason why moving abroad and traveling, captures me and my attention and my heart so much.


But since I've been an expat, I’ve found I've learned so much more than I could've ever imagined.


Who would've thought that when I moved to Italy, I would've learned to make multiple delicious Turkish dishes, because my wonderful next-door neighbor was from Turkey?


Who would've thought that I would've learned that in South Africa, people that have similar sounding accents, have two different mother tongues? Because some people speak English and some people speak Afrikaans.


There are so many more “who would've thought” moments. Those are just a couple of them, but you kind of get the picture. Your mind or at least my mind has been opened to things in ways I never even imagined because I've become an expat.


Another unexpected way that I've changed is I've had a new appreciation for some things in America. After trying to get Caleb's Italian birth certificate, I had a much greater appreciation for the fact that when you give birth in America, your child’s birth certificate once you fill out a simple form is mailed to your front door. In other words after dealing with the bureaucracy in Italy, I developed a greater appreciation for the annoyance of sitting in the DMV for a little bit.


Though I will say, America is not perfect and after talking to a dear Italian friend on Friday about how it takes 14 months to get a reentry document when you have a green card and that that document only lasts for 12 months, I don't think American bureaucracy is perfect by any means. It just functions a lot more smoothly than what I’ve experienced abroad.


Another thing that I have appreciated about America since leaving is the convenience of the living, there. It is so easy to go to a Target or a Walmart and get everything you need in one stop. Not that there aren't similar stores that are like that here in Europe, but usually they're more off the beaten path and not in the center of the city or at least not anywhere near (where) I lived.


Also, another thing slightly related to the bureaucracy is how quickly you can get things done in America, for the most part. French and Italian bureaucracy and processes can be known to take a little while, and unfortunately patience is not one of my strong suits. Though I'm working on it!


And from the opposite point of view, living outside of America has helped me to see how everyone else views it and to view my culture more accurately, I would say. Some of those views from other people’s perspectives are correct, and some of them are only informed by the media that they see. But regardless, it can definitely help you to see your culture in a different light, sometimes positively, and sometimes negatively.


Another way that I feel like I'm different because I've become an expat, is that I've gotten to have an intimate look at other cultures. For example, in Italy and here in France, I’ve really developed an appreciation for their love of life. Especially in Italy, I find La Dolce Vita, or the sweet life, is something that means a lot to them.


Thus they're not in a hurry. They take their time with lots of things, like they even actually take lunch breaks, and they enjoy it with their friends and colleagues. They take their time with food and in restaurants. You will not, typically, in France or Italy, be hurried out of a restaurant so that they can turn the table or flip the table for the next customers. They will let you take your time. And I really love that!


And of course they take their time making their food, not just eating it. Yes, you can definitely find fast meals, but some of the best meals that I've had, you can tell have been cooking for hours. When was the last time any of my American listeners ate something that was not at their home or the home of friends that you could tell had been cooking for hours, that you were just grabbing at lunchtime? This is something I’ve really grown to appreciate!


Another way I've gotten to have an intimate look at other cultures, comes not necessarily from the country itself, but from people of other ethnicities and nationalities that live here.


One year in April, I went to say hello to my neighbor and got invited in as they celebrated their afternoon meal during Passover. I am not Jewish, but I know a little bit about Passover due to being Christian and learning about what took place during the last supper, for example. So getting to see this sacred meal taking place and being invited to sit and break bread with their family was so incredibly special to me.


I have also taken a simple, quick sweet bread to a neighbor, and she insisted that I come in and she gave me part of her meal that she was planning to feed to her family, to share with mine. This neighbor lives on the bottom floor of my apartment and in the late afternoon and early evening it smells like heaven most days when you walk into my door or to the door of the apartment building, because she has been cooking something that has been prepared with love for hours.


So to hear her explain to me, the spices she used, and how she made it, because she's from Libya, and the things that she has used to flavor her potatoes or her meat or her couscous, these are things I never would've thought to use. And I absolutely love how I am learning and growing, just by getting to be a little bit of a part of the lives of the wonderful people around me.


Another thing I have found has happened is that something that I already had a suspicion of that I valued, has become very much, reaffirmed.


As a backstory, another one, I grew up in small town, rural Colorado. Most of my childhood I lived on a 54-acre ranch that sat on a hill where I could see Pikes Peak and also the mountains that surrounded the valley town called, Beulah, where I went to school.


My brother and I spent a lot of time outside. And most neighbors had open door policies, let's say, allowing us to roam around. So we might take a hike or a walk to the end of our property, cross through the barbedwire fence and go exploring. Doing this we found caves that had native American drawings in them near pools of water and you could just imagine how Native Americans had lived there and roamed there hundreds of years, if not thousands of years before.


Or if we were at my grandma and grandpa's house in the valley, we would walk the stairs up and over, because that's how much of an open door policy my grandma and grandpa had with their neighbors, my grandpa was allowed to build a staircase to go over the fence, so that my brother and I could play in the pasture, but also so that their horse, the neighbors’ horse, Buttermilk, would not end up, trying to go over a fence that we had inadvertently caused to sag.


Once over the fence, we would try to catch minnows in the creek, we would look for false gold, we spent hours and hours building our own teepee that needed a tree for support, skinning fallen branches of their bark, and lining the outside of our teepee, cooking fake meals with grasses and dandelions and dirt, and just in general being outside and using our imaginations.


So now that we live in an apartment, with our four children, that love of outdoor play and letting my kids have that type of freedom has not waned, it has only grown stronger. I hold no judgment for people living in apartments, because that's where I currently live, but my preference is definitely to be able to have a little bit of outdoor space even if it's just a small garden or a yard.


I was asking a dear friend of mine, who has been an expat for around 13 years, ways that she felt being an expat has changed her. Because let's be honest, I'm not going to remember everything in one fell swoop when I sit down to write an episode. And she said that along with the other things I have already mentioned, her taste buds have changed.


Now granted, she did mention that she's read that taste buds change every seven years anyway, but regardless of that, I really agree. Chris and I were just telling my mom about how salty a certain very well-known name brand potato chip is in America. They have that same brand here in France, but for some reason in America, those potato chips are so salty that they cause our mouths and tongues to be raw and almost shredded after just a few chips. As if there are like little tiny shards of fiberglass or something weird like that in the potato chip.


I'm not saying that that's the case and that they do that by any means, but it makes them very unenjoyable. Whereas, here in France, that same brand has a very moderate amount of salt and is really delightful.


That same principle applies to how sweet things can seem to taste in America. Unfortunately, it is no secret that America has a problem with obesity, and I think a lot of the things that are allowed to go into the food, as well as portion sizes, is something that can be attributed to that.


Due to the stricter regulations that Europe has towards their food. Which are even stricter in Italy than they are in France, I rarely have to read the backs of labels on packaged food products anymore. Now granted I still do a little bit, but I trust that, whereas in America, if I pick something up, I'm going to get a list of 40 different ingredients (unless I’m like at Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods or something), most of which are preservatives for let's say like a premade soup. Here in France, those ingredients will be much less. And most of which I actually know what they are.


So I guess you could say that what has changed is I don't really read the labels as much anymore, because I simply don't have to. Which feels really nice I have to say.


Also, along the lines of my taste buds having changed I think I have become a more adventurous eater. I've always been reasonably adventurous, when I lived in LA I had shark and chicken feet, both of which I didn't care for if I'm honest, and growing up in Colorado I definitely have eaten Rocky Mountain oysters.


But living as an expat has made me try things I really wouldn't have necessarily tried before. I remember during our first or second summer in Italy on the day of Ferragosta, which is August 15th, and it's the official beginning of the Italian vacation holidays, we had our friends Elizabeth and Andrea and their daughter out and we ordered from Ristorante Borgo, which I know I've talked about quite a bit, but you can listen to Episode 1 to hear more about it as it is that episode’s “Chan Select”.


Anyway, I'm sure we ordered like pizza for the kids and maybe some pasta but they had a special menu that day and Andrea chose to order an octopus salad. I remember thinking, “Oh I don't know about that.” But he was very generous and offered to let us try as he was very much so enjoying it, and honestly, it was excellent. But it was not something I would've ever ordered on my own.


And speaking of being more adventurous, I of course, had to ask my husband, Chris, how he thought I had changed or become different since being an expat. And he said that I have become more open to adventure and new experiences. And what he means by that is that when he first started in his current position with his company, there were a lot of places that I had said, “Oh I would never want to live there.”


Since his job can take us almost all over the world, there were a lot of places that Chandra from about 8 to 10 years ago was really terrified to think of living in. But now that I've become an expat and have gotten the opportunity to meet people that have lived in a many many of those places, my eyes have been opened, my horizons have broadened, and there is a much much smaller list of places that I am not as keen to move to. I will also say that this new openness may also come from the fact that 8 years ago I was very much in the throes of being a young mom with three kids ages four years to a few months. So those kind of thoughts at that time were really overwhelming at the time.


Another thing that Chris mentioned, and which is in the intro of the podcast, is that I've learned to pivot a lot better. I can roll with the punches a lot more easily now.


And a lot of that comes from when you're an expat, there are so many things that are out of your control and a lot of the time you just have to wait. Waiting for some sort of bureaucratic thing to get done, waiting to finally get into a house, waiting for your shipment of all of your things to finally come, there can be lots and lots of waiting. As well as things not always working out as planned, listen to last week's episode, Episode 58: The Highs and Lows of Barcelona, to hear more about how we had to pivot while on vacation and go to a Spanish emergency room.


But I think there is something to be said for being flexible and learning to pivot. Because if you're constantly trying to control everything, in general, but also when you're living as an expat, you're going to be an absolute stress ball and that is terrible for your health. Sometimes you gotta learn to let go a little bit and trust that it's all going to work out. And currently I’m preaching to the choir, I’m preaching to myself about that.


I know that's not easy, but by God's grace, I am learning to do that little by little.


And finally, the last thing that Chris brought to my attention, was that I've learned to ask for help a lot more. In general, I consider myself to be pretty self-sufficient as a person. And I also really don't like to be a burden on anyone. Even with having four kids, I think there's a lot of preconceived judgment that I think other people might have of me if I can't handle everything on my own, since I have chosen to have four kiddos.


But when you're an expat, because there are so many things out of your control like I mentioned just a second ago, and there are so many things that are so new and foreign to you, sometimes you have to ask for help. And that's not necessarily help from a friend or a family member, because especially when you move somewhere new, they are far away, usually.


But a lot of times I have to ask an acquaintances, maybe a neighbor, and lots of times a stranger. Currently, I plan to go to one of my neighbors and ask her to make a call for me because I don't speak French well enough to understand automated systems where you can't ask the operator to speak more slowly, and help me cancel a subscription that could not be canceled in the store.


Do I love being beholden to asking someone else for help? No I don't, but that's kind of also part of being a neighbor. Favors go both ways. Hopefully she can help me with cancelling this subscription and whenever she needs something printed for her kids’ school, I always do my best to be available to her.


And those are the ways I think I've changed because of being an expat.


And now for today’s “Chan Select”. You guys I actually can't believe that I didn't even have this on my list until like a week or so ago. This “Chan Select” was recommended to me, by my friend Mallory, before we ever even moved to Paris, but we came to visit in November 2021. And Chris and the kids and I tried to go, but due to our large family size and the quaint boutiqueness of this, I just made up a word, boutiqueness, of this café we didn't fit because it was already packed.


The name of it is Zia, and it's located near the Ecole Militaire or the military school in the seventh arrondissement of Paris. Zia is a perfect place to go when you're looking for a delicious brunch or lunch spot. They serve an amazing avocado toast, excellent Dutch Baby Pancakes- savory or sweet, and a stuffed breakfast burrito that can be served with New Mexican red chili, which is similar to my native Colorado's green chili, that will rock your world!


The owner, Justin, is a really great guy, and the service there is excellent. I will be sure to include their website in the show notes, and as usual, I am not an affiliate, just a fan!


And now for our quote of the day. Since today was all about the topic of how becoming an expat has changed me or the ways I've changed since becoming an expat, I thought we should get a quote about change. It comes from the Dalai Lama, and he said, “Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.” I think that in life and as an expat, that's a pretty great motto to have.


That's it for today everyone. If you liked this episode, in particular, would you do me a favor and maybe write a review on Apple podcasts about it? Those reviews and ratings really help to boost Expatriotical’s visibility through the algorithm. So whenever somebody's looking for a new podcast, and they type in “travel podcast” or “expat podcast” or “expatriate”, it helps this podcast to surge farther to the top, if you will, of those search results.


Thank you so much, I really truly appreciate it. I look forward to meeting you back here again next week and until then this is Chandra Alley reminding you to “Live and Travel in the Know” with Expatriotical.