Episode 27: 7 Things I Wish I'd Known as a Virgin Expat

Talking about things you wish you'd know in your 20s is a current trend. How about things you wish you'd known when you packed up your whole life and moved to another country!

In this episode host, Chandra Alley, shares the 7 things (some profound, some basic) she wishes she'd known as a virgin... expat! Don't worry this episode is entirely family friendly and full of great stories!

Plus stay tuned for a tasty treat in this episode's "Chan Select". Listen in!

• This episode's "Chan Select": Maison Astrid
• Follow us on Instagram: @expatriotical
• Episode Reference: Episode 4: Hospitalizations: Child Edition, Episode 10: Hospitalizations: Chandra Edition, Episode 15: Bucket List Travel as an Expat

"Live and Travel in the Know" with Expatriotical!

Transcript

Bienvenue, Benvenuti, and Welcome to Expatriotical, the podcast for expats, travelers, and other adventurous souls. I’m Chandra Alley and after living as an expat with my husband and 4 children in two different countries for almost 6 years, I’ve learned the arts of pivoting during pitfalls, traveling tastefully for less, and soaking in amazing new cultures without losing your own.

Join me, as we dive into the joys and challenges of travel and the expat life in every episode!

Hey everyone! I hope this episode finds you in a good head space! Whether that’s coming to the end of your summer OR if you’ve already started your school year (for those that have kids) transition. I hope your transition is going well!

The title of today’s episode is 7 Things I Wish I’d Know as a Virgin Expat. I know that sounds like a kind of risque title, but I promise this is still very family friendly. I was just trying to find a way to convey the concept of being a “first time” expatriate, but needed the title to be shorter and I also like the innocence and tenderness that the word “virgin” conveys.

Anyway, the semantics are not the point, I just wanted to let everyone know, that anyone can listen to this episode. BUT before I jump into those 7 things I wanted to share 2 other things.

One, the reason why I stated last week that this was a special episode, is because today, meaning August 21st, the day this episode, number 27, airs and marks 6 months of Expatriotical.

It is a big day for me y’all! And that’s 6 months of episodes, not even counting all of the work and conception and learning that went into it before Episode 1 debuted, on February 21st of this year, 2024.

It has been a labor of love and I hope that you have and are enjoying it as much as I am. So chin chin and here’s to another 6 months!

Ok, the second thing I wanted to tell you before jumping into the main content of today’s episode is that I also stated that if I had any more Olympic adventures I would share them today and I am happy to report that I did.

As I write this, here in Paris, athletes from around the world are starting to head home after last night’s closing ceremonies. I realize you are listening to this at least 10 days after the closing ceremonies, but nonetheless, I thought it would be fun to share the end of my family’s Paris 2024 Olympic adventures.

So the timeline is going to be kind of weird because I am talking about the past, but here we go! On Tuesday, August 6th, after Chris finished work we headed into the center of Paris to try to see the Olympic Flame. Now I had heard that you needed to buy tickets to do so, and had had troubles with the link, so I thought, “Let’s just try to see it from as close as they will allow us.”

And Chris, had wanted to walk down the Champs Elysees, which the big avenue lined with restaurants and many designer stores that runs from the Arc du Triomphe in the west to Place de la Concorde in the east (or Concorde place). And so I thought perfect, since we were coming from the West, we would walk or could walk down part of the Champs Elysees and then go around Concorde (because you had to have tickets to go in) and then see the Flame from the side and it was the side that’s a bit closer to the Louvre.

So we rode the metro and when we got out at the stop Franklin D. Roosevelt, we came up to all of the decorations and fanfare of Paris 2024. I’ll be honest that there really weren't that many people. It felt like a normal August day in Paris, except for with the decorations. I am assuming that many were attending events, but I was still expecting there to be more people.

Anyway, as we made our way toward Place de la Concorde there were booths and attractions set up by vendors and official sponsors of the Olympics and I could see that there was a fenced off perimeter before Concorde and beyond there, we could see grand stands the shining silver globe of the Hot Air Balloon that sat above the Flame.

As we got near to the fence I headed to my left to make my way around Concorde toward Rue de Rivoli (which I knew would bring us to the upper side of the Tuileries and the Louvre) and discovered that my plan was not possible. Because the Perimeter blocked off all the sidewalks that would lead me to the Rue de Rivoli.

So from there we realized that this was as close we were going to get to seeing the flame. I’ll be honest that we were disappointed, but the kids took it well and we were all greatly consoled by a delicious steak dinner at Le Relais de Venise L’Entrecote, listen to Episode 15: Bucket List Travel as an Expat, where Le Relais is the “Chan Select”, to hear more about this iconic restaurant!

So at this point I thought that our Olympic excursions were over. But then a few days later, we ran into friends at the park and they were each talking about going to different country’s Houses. I said that I had looked into going to USA House, but it cost 325 dollars or euro, I can’t remember which, to go and for 6 of us, that would have been like $2000, so it wasn’t in the budget.

At this point both of them said, that for the respective countries they were talking about, it was free. My Italian friend said that Italy House was even close by us in the Bois de Boulogne.

So that following Saturday, August 10th, just so you can keep up or maybe I can keep up with the mental gymnastics of the timeline, Chris and the kids and I got on our bikes and rode to Casa Italia, or Italy House.

Here is where I should insert that this is not a replacement for the Olympic Village, which was located in Saint Denis near the Stade du France (where they had the Athletics competitions and the Closing Ceremonies). This is an entirely different thing, meant to be a place for fans and spectators to come together and enjoy more festivities.

For Italy House the free portion ran from 10:00 in the morning to 12:00 and then again from 3:00 in the afternoon until 5:00 in the evening. We had arrived right when the first opening ended or when the first free opening ended. So we biked off, got lunch, and then came back.

It was just a simple registration process when we came back where we only gave our first and last name and were issued a bracelet with a QR code on it. The kids were also given fun “Italia” pins to wear on their shirts by the friendly, kind, and patient ladies doing the check-in.

We then walked to the entrance, which was marked by a giant wire mesh sculpture of a cathedral and had our bracelets scanned. As we made our way into the complex and country colors of green, white, and red began to emerge on the buildings and in festive decorations, the walkway led us straight to the entry, which was air-conditioned and felt amazing, but what was even more amazing were the beautiful tapestries that hung on the walls of the circular room and looked like the Italian countryside.

And on one wall there was also, hung on that tapestry, Gold, Silver, and bronze circles with the names of all of the Italian athletes that had already won medals in the games. It was very impressive!

We were greeted in that room by a man named Paulo, who explained all of this to us and told us to follow him in. We later found out that he was the head of security there, but if he was suspicious of us for something, we never felt that way, we, well I at least, just felt kind of at home by his warm and welcoming hospitality.

After walking through another circular room that was covered in tv screens for your Olympic event viewing pleasure. Paulo led us to a large lounge room, that had a tented ceiling and glass walls. It felt very posh. He walked us up to the bar and asked if we would like anything and we said, “Oh no, we are fine thank you.” Paulo replied, “Why not it’s free.” “Oh wow!” we said and the kids hummed in a low frenzy of what they wanted to drink.

The bartender poured them Cokes in fancy cocktail glasses and they grinned from ear to ear as they drank them down and watched one of the events playing on a tv in the corner.

As all of this was happening Paulo pointed out to Chris, a man wearing a black hoodie sweater with the word Italia printed on it. He said, “He is a gold medal winner!”

We turned around and saw one of the competitors from the Triple Jump, which we had just been watching the night before. And sure enough it was Andy Diaz Hernandez who had just won the bronze medal for triple jump. SO cool!

As I continued to help two of the boys, and mop up their Coke spills, Chris asked Lilliah and Isaiah, if they wanted to meet an Olympic Medal winner and so they both got to meet Andy and take a picture with him. A moment I, never imagined happening in all of my life.

We went outside and continued to explore and saw some spaces that were set up to promote the next winter Olympics, which will be held in Milano Cortina, Italy in 2026. Something I can only, once again, dream about attending.

It was an amazing experience to get to go to Italy House! It felt so warm and welcoming and festive and was a fantastic end cap to our Olympic adventures!

Ok, now onto the 7 Things I Wish I’d Known as a Virgin Expat! These are not in any particular order of importance, mainly just in the order that they came out of my brain, but with a little more organization.

Number One: It’s ok for it to be hard. Just because you may be moving to a dream vacation destination, does not mean you are on vacation. Now, to clarify, I did not think I was going on vacation, but I had never even been across the pond or on the continent of Europe so everything I knew of Italy was from the movies, television, the internet, and people’s highlight reels on Facebook.

Which we all know is all realistic, right?

Outside of the fact that I would be living in a hotel room with no kitchen, with three small children, in the middle of the city of Milan, I was expecting tranquility, good food, and a general laid back atmosphere. Plus, I had done the whole “living in a hotel room with kids thing” before, so I thought I could manage.

What I got was, not quite that. Good food, yes, beyond my imagination and expectations, for sure. A laid back culture, also yes. But the rest of it didn’t quite fall into line there. 

So in other words, I would tell pregnant Chandra, from 6 years ago, that Italy is beautiful, but believe it or not, it is one of the hardest first world countries to move to. In fact, at that time, Chris ended up reading in some article that out of 60 countries it was ranked as number 1, in difficulty to move to. I cannot find that article now, and I will explain more about why that felt true to me, a bit later in the episode.

Thing number two is: it’s going to be ok. Because pregnant Chandra was super stressed out about having to bring a newborn baby “home” to a hotel. And once again for good reason, as after 10 weeks of living in said hotel, we moved into our house and two days later I went to the hospital to have the baby.

But my worst fears, of a bunch of well-wishing strangers, touching my newborn son who did not yet have a strong immune system, every time we went in and out of the hotel, did not materialize. And I can say that a lot of the things that I feared while living in Italy, didn’t happen. Granted a lot of weird things that I never saw coming did, but they were usually totally unrelated to living in Italy. (Listen to the Hospitalizations episodes- Number 4 and 10, to understand more).

Number 3, of the 7 Things I Wish I’d Know as a Virgin Expat is very counter intuitive, but it came to mind when interviewing my amazing friend and veteran expat Mallory Steinbach when she gave the advice to lean into the good and the bad and to savor all of the moments.

Because bad stuff happens regardless, but there is still sweetness during the hard stuff. An example of that was when my oldest son Carson was four years old and had Kawasaki Disease and was in the hospital for 13 days. The community that I lived in rallied around our family and brought meals and babysat Caleb and Isaiah, our two youngest children, so that I could visit Carson in the hospital and take Chris meals because he was staying there with him 24/7.

The love I felt during that really trying and emotional and scary time, was the thing to be savored. Something beautiful in the bad. And as Mallory said about those experiences, “it’s just making yourself as an individual such a powerful person… it’s…building such character. So in the harder moments, remember that.”

And like I said in that interview, I don’t alway love character building, but it’s a good thing and you come out better on the other side. To hear more of that fantastic interview with Mallory, listen to Episode: 20 Learning to Pivot with Mallory Steinbach.

The fourth thing I wish I’d known, is that though it does feel natural to feel bad or guilty about a lot of things, please don’t. This is honestly something that I still struggle with in certain areas. But for example, as a virgin expat when I would say to acquaintances, when they gushed and asked what it was like to live in Italy, that it was beautiful, but very difficult. And their responses would be those of disbelief or like they felt I was whining, I would walk away feeling guilty and having some resentment for not being believed. But I learned over time to either not really directly answer that  or, not to care what they thought. Because they were looking through vacation lenses and also through the lens of never having been an expat.

So guilt or feeling bad, was simply not necessary because they didn’t understand. Another way that I felt bad, but needn’t, was having difficulties staying in touch with family and friends due to the time difference. This is the one that I still mourn a bit, because I do wish I could just call up friends and family without having to plan those calls, and I feel guilty sometimes.

But I tell myself, if it had been the opposite and they had been the ones to move, would I be upset about it, NO! In fact, years ago, one of my best friends in the whole world moved to Okinawa, Japan and was 15 hours ahead of me timewise, but we still managed to stay in touch. Maybe not quite as often, but we did. And we still do to this day, now that she is back in the States and I am abroad. So I would tell myself, don’t feel bad, this is just part of it and it’s just a season.

Ok, now the last three things I’d wish I’d know, are less serious or heavy and more on the practical side.

Thing number 5 is: ask for a longer visa. When we first arrived in Milan and began the process of getting our permesso di sogiorno, which is our residence permits, it was a grueling process. First we made a very special appointment to take some documents to the post office. Then, we made another appointment that happened a few months later to go to a specific police station and bring more documents and be fingerprinted.

When we arrived there on time, with all four children in tow, ages 5 to a few weeks old, we waited for hours for our turn and when we finally went in, they argued that we did not have the correct documents. Our representative argued back, because we didn’t speak Italian yet, that we did indeed have the correct documents according to the email they had sent us.

By God’s grace they accepted this argument. And then n several months later we went back to get our permessos, which by that time only had a few months left until they expired.

We did this process again, in even more ridiculous circumstances, until I talked to enough friends and discovered that they had 2 year or  up to 5 year visas or permessos if you will, so I asked Chris to request that the next time we got a longer visa, and voila, the final time got a two year permesso which actually expired in November of 2022, after we had already moved to Paris in July of that year.

If I would have known that you could simply ask for a longer visa, I would have done that from the beginning. Now, I know that not all countries may allow that, but it doesn’t hurt to ask!

And speaking of friends, thing number 6 that I wish I’d known as a virgin expat, is that it is ok to make the first move in friendship when you are the new person. That responsibility does not only fall on the people that are already there and established.

I wrote a whole blog post for a friend of mine about experiencing this with my friend Mallory, whom I mentioned earlier. We have been friends for years and that friendship has been so sweet and such a blessing, but I kick myself knowing that we could have been friends for a couple of years longer, as I remember seeing Mallory and her four kiddos having a playdate at the park right down the street from our house, shortly after we’d moved in.

I noticed them particularly because they also had four kids, but also because both moms were speaking English. But like a shy teenager at the prom waiting in the corner to be asked for a dance, I didn’t do anything. And I wish that I would have known that they weren’t going to bite and in fact, Mallory and I were going to become good friends. So I wish I would have known to make the first move in making friends. A concept which I now live by.

And last, and maybe also least, the 7th thing I wish I’d known as a virgin expat is… there is not a whole aisle for cereal in Italian markets. To my European friends, this may be very obvious, but for anyone who has ever entered the doors of an American supermarket, the cereal has its own aisle, both sides, crammed with boxes of all sizes stuffed with sugary delights!

Now, I am not advocating for all of that sugar consumption, I think it can lead to diabetes and obesity and my kids actually have to mix a sugary cereal like Frosted Flakes with a plain unsweetened cereal, BUT the wide selection does make finding the cereal in the market much easier.

I remember scouring the shelves of the Esselunga market by our hotel that very first morning in Italy for basic foods we could have in our room and in the mini fridge. And trying to find American basics such as Honey Nut Cheerios, peanut butter, and raisins felt impossible and really overwhelming, as I was searching in all the wrong places.

I wish I would have known, that it’s not going to be the same or in the same place and I do not need to feel scared, embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help, even multiple times. These people also will not bite and are in fact usually very friendly and eager to help!

And those are the 7 Things I Wish I’d Known as a Virgin Expat!

Moving on to today’s “Chan Select”, it’s a perfect selection for that end of summer beginning of school transition. And that is a new local business near me that serves amazing, delicious, and unique ice cream flavors, just outside of the Paris city border. It’s called Maison Astrid and it caught my eye the moment I scooted by with its bright yellow facade and awnings, it beconned me in to taste. So when I returned a few days later with my kids, my friends, and their friends in tow, we were all delighted by the flavors they offered! My favorite, is Ananas et Coco or pineapple and coconut, which tastes like a lightly sweetened and rum-free (or virgin)  Pina Colada. Delish!

But their, Coffee, Chocolate, and an array of sorbet flavors are all also very tasty! Definitely worth veering out of Paris by a couple of blocks to get a little treat! I will be sure to include Maison Astrid’s Instagram handle in the show notes and as always, I am not an affiliate, just a fan of delicious ice cream!

Finally for our quote of the day. Now, I’m not saying that the seven things I mentioned today all came from mistakes, some of them maybe did, but a lot came from ignorance and lack of experience. But since mistakes are a part of life, expat life or not, I thought this would be a fun quote to end on. The author is unknown and it goes like this: “They say mistakes make you wiser, which basically makes me a genius!” Amen to that!

Thanks again for joining me here again this week! Next week is another special episode and I hope to have a very special surprise guest! Until then, please be sure to rate and review Expatriotical on your listening platform or share it with a friend, or with an enemy for that matter! Either way, I really appreciate it!

Thanks again guys and I wish you a lovely rest of your day! This is Chandra Alley signing off and reminding you to “Live and Travel in the Know” with Expatriotical!