Episode 6: Lending a Helping Hand

Being an expat can be hard! You're away from family and friends and everything you know. So it can be amazing when someone reaches out a helping hand. Listen in as Chandra shares stories of a few wonderful people that have helped her family during their expat journey. And keep listening to discover ways that YOU too can be a beacon of light during the dark night of another's expatriate storm. Plus, if you're looking to de-stress in Paris, whether as an expat, native, or tourist; stayed tuned for this episode's "Chan Select"!

• This episode's "Chan Select": Meishu
• Share your kind deed done on Instagram: @Expatriotical
• Episode Reference: Episode 1: Who I am & How I Started My Crazy Expat Life, Episode 5: Language is Key with Sissi Arellano

"Live and Travel in the Know" with Expatriotical!

Transcript

Expatriotical- Episode 6: A Helping Hand

Bienvenue, Benvenuti, and Welcome to Expatriotical, the podcast for expats, travelers, and other adventurous souls. I’m Chandra Alley and after living as an expat with my husband and 4 children in two different countries for almost 6 years, I’ve learned the arts of pivoting during pitfalls, travelling tastefully for less, and soaking in amazing new cultures without loosing your own.

Join me, as we dive into the joys and challenges of travel and the expat life in every episode!

Good morning or afternoon or whatever it is where you are! so excited did you guys are listening today! Today we are going to talk about some pretty light stuff, but stuff which is also incredibly useful.

A quick disclaimer before we jump in. Just as I mentioned last week, there is continuing construction in my building so you may here strange drill or banging sounds that my mic picks up. Apololgies in advance, but hopefully these noises won’t be as noiticeable to you as they are to me.

First I want to start out by telling you my experience on the receiving end of the thing we are talking about today and then I’m going to put out some ideas for how you can be this person in the life of others.

So if you listened to Episode 1, which is called “Who I Am and How I Started My Crazy Expat Life”. You know that we: my husband, myself, and at the time our three children at the time, because I was seven months pregnant with the fourth; lived in a hotel in Milan, Italy for 10 weeks.

And it wasn’t like a Residence Inn Marriott type of hotel, or one that had a small apartment sort of feel. It was a beautiful large apartment, and the gentleman who had shown us around the first time we stepped foot in there had told us that many years ago it had been the offices for Prada. So I will say it was absolutely lovely! But there was no kitchen. There wasn’t even a hotplate. There was a refrigerator, smaller than a college dorm room type, mini-bar refrigerator. And an electric kettle. That was it. There was also a table to eat at, but obviously I wasn’t preparing much other than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, once I finally found the peanut butter in the market that was down the street.

So after living in the hotel for close to a week, the laundry had started to get absolutely out of control. Because there wasn’t a washer or dryer in the apartment either. And it may have been causing a small problem for the housekeeping staff, that makes me sound like a slob, but we really did not have a place to put our stuff other than in suitcases, so the laundry manager, whose name was Sophie, offered to take our clothes and wash them for me.

She technically wasn’t supposed to do it, and said she could only do it the one time, but she had three sons, and understood what it was like to be overwhelmed with your day-to-day laundry. So she broke the rules, and I was so grateful.

This is not the only time that she was extremely or exceedingly kind and helpful to me. She could see the load I was carrying, no laundry pun intended, trying to live with three children ages five, three, 18 months in a hotel.

Around the same time as Sophie snuck our laundry out of our room to wash it. I met another mom who had also just moved to Milan.

She introduced herself to me at a workshop that the school had put on, called Introduction to Milanese Culture. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this particular part of the moving to Italy story, but long story short, this workshop was absolutely key in helping me with the emotional transition and overwhelm of becoming an ex-pat.

It was given by a woman named Elisabeth Weingraber-Pircher, who ended up being my next-door neighbor once we finally found a house. That presentation is also why I collaborated with my friend Sissi, whom I had the pleasure of interviewing last week in Episode 5, checkout Language is Key with Sissi Arellano, because I wanted to be able to help people, new expats, the way Elisabeth and her presentation had helped me.

Anyway, at the end of this presentation I had gone up to thank Elisabeth for all that she had said and done, I’m sure with mascara dripping down my face from the tears I had shed, and there were other women up there as well who wanted to speak with Elizabeth. Once I had said my thanks, and was about to head towards the door because Chris had kindly given me the, “these boys are about to explode with energy and can’t sit in the car anymore” look with his eyes. Because that’s where they had been while I was at this workshop for two hours.

A beautiful lady with bright blue eyes and a warm smile, who had been speaking with Elisabeth as well, approached me and said (in her wonderful British accent- which I will try to replicate by request of some younger Expatriotical listeners), “Hi my name is Marny Bealer, I saw you this morning at the bus stop, with your children.”

And I said, “My name is Chandra and I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you.” She explained that she actually had been standing off a bit. As her children were older than mine, in the sixth and ninth grades, and were not wanting to be embarrassed by her being around. But she, being a wise mom, had wanted to make sure her for the first little bit, that they got on the school bus safe and sound.

Seeing Chris flag me again, I apologized and said that I had to go, but we said we would connect at the bus stop soon. So, the next day, we met up again and exchanged numbers, and when Marny found out that we were living in a hotel, and not a furnished apartment like her family was, she said “If there’s anything you need, please let me know.” And I was very transparent and said, “Actually, I’m trying to figure out how to do laundry. Since there is no coin-fed laundry machines in the hotel.”

And then Marny quickly replied, “You should just come wash your laundry at my place. It’s only a washer, but we can have a cup of tea and chat and the boys can play, while your clothes wash.”

And I said, “If you don’t mind, I would really appreciate that!” And that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Every few days, I would through our laundry into a suitcase. Put Carson on top of it. And push Isaiah in front of me in a red umbrella stroller while Carson rode behind on the suitcase the five blocks or so to Marny’s apartment. We’d chat and the boys would play or watch a cartoon on her iPad while the laundry was washing. Then I’d stuff all the wet laundry back into the suitcase and take it back to my hotel room, hanging it up on the laundry horse (that we had recently purchased at IKEA), the window ledges, and towel rods in the bathroom to dry.

This lasted for about 6 weeks until her family was able to move into their permanent residence in Milan. After that, I was able to find a Laundromat several blocks from the hotel, and not only wash, but also dry my clothes.

Marny’s kindness, not only kept my family clean, if you will, but it also bought me time from having an added stress of trying to search for or figure out one more thing at the very beginning of our stay in Italy.

It also created a beautiful friendship. As we got to know their entire family, we grew closer. We would eventually go to family picnic at a vineyard together, her children would watch our children so that Chris and I could go on dates, we would go on double dates, and we would have family dinners.

But none of that would have happened and I wouldn’t have those cherished memories, if Marny wouldn’t have stuck her neck out just a little bit and offered to be helpful or to help when she saw a need.

So, this is where I’m going to speak to primarily the veteran expats. That’s those of you who have already been there and done that at least one time. But I’m not going to discount how helpful somebody can be even when they’re their new as an expat or new in their city.

A short story for me to put in here would be my first interaction with my friend Sissi. We met at a “Get to Know You” coffee, sponsored by our kids’ school. When she introduced herself to the group, she said that they were still in search of an apartment and if anyone knew of anything she would love to know about it. Because they had only been in Paris for about a week. Since we were all in a classroom chat together on WhatsApp, I was able to text her privately and give her a few ideas of a couple of apartments that where available that I knew of. And she was so grateful to hear about that.

A few days later we ran into each other at the local market and when we started chatting she found out that my younger son was not currently at the school, and that I was trying to figure out how to get him in public school through the city. Because in France children must start attending school at the age of three (and Caleb was 3), but Chris’s company, in the past, had only paid for one year of preschool. Which was very gracious, honestly, but their policy had seemed to be just one year.

Sissi said that her husband’s company had said the same thing, that they wouldn’t pay, but then they came back and said never mind, they would go ahead and pay for it. I asked her if she thought it was because of the French law and she said she didn’t know, but it would be worth looking into.

Long story short I started looking into the fine print of company’s policy, and also the French law. And was able to get my youngest child, Caleb, into school with my older three children. I can’t express to you how much time and effort that saved me not having to take all for them to two different schools everyday.

I’m not saying this to parade how amazing I was in any of this was, but mainly to say just those small thoughtful steps in helping others transition into living in their new homes, even when you are new yourself, can make a huge difference.

As you start meeting people at your children’s school, your new job, or even in the neighborhood that you’re living in, don’t be afraid to say “hello!” And if you are feeling bold enough, start up a conversation. Or if they start a conversation with you, maybe get to know them by asking a question or asking for their help or their expertise.

For example, “What are some markets close to here? I found one, but it seems to be kind of small and it doesn’t seem to have everything that I’m looking for.”

OR

“Are there any good (fill in the blank for your favorite type of food) restaurants close by?”

If you have children you can ask, “What are some parks that you like to go to?” Or if their children are older, parks that their kids used to go to.

You can ask about Great places to vacation, a great place to grab a cup of coffee, their favorite things to see in the city, the list honestly could go on and on and on. And those are not even more personal questions. If they have older kids you could ask, does your daughter babysit perchance? Or do you know somebody in our building or neighborhood that has a great babysitter? Or that can pet sit when we are on vacation? Or you could get really personal, I don’t know if you can hear my air quotes around personal, and ask not only where can you get a good cup of coffee or here we could ask where can we get a good café creme and a Pain au chocolat, but you can ask would you like to go with me to get said coffee?

Granted, that’s the extrovert in me coming out. Because I have no problem trying to get to know people, but I know that everybody needs to take their time and go at their own pace for sure. But these are just ideas to put out there.

Okay, now let’s focus on the veteran ex-pats! This maybe a little bit in the philosophical range, because practically, only you know how you can do something to be helpful to others, but here are some ideas.

If someone that is new expresses a need for something, such as needing their laundry to be done, offer to show them your local Laundromat, or offered to allow them to use your washing machine. That’s a very obvious choice because of my earlier story, But it’s also very practical.

Give them recommendations for the closest market, gym, coffee shop, or whatever it is that you prefer and think is the best in your neighborhood.

Ask them if they’ve already made plans for their next holiday break that is normal or coming up in your area, and if they say “no” offer some suggestions of things that you have done and vetted already.

A little more of a removed way to be helpful, is to look on Facebook or online and see if there are any communities, you can join. In Milan and also in Paris I have joined an English-speaking mom’s group. Where people reach out asking questions and looking for recommendations. Many times there’s even an affiliated group where people are selling things or looking for things to buy. Which also comes in very handy as you are trying to fill your new home, or empty your home in preparation for your next move.

Not that I’m encouraging spending all of your time online watching these groups, but sometimes even your little bit of experience is helpful to somebody who has none at all. So don’t be afraid to try! Don’t be afraid to reach out and help someone.

Okay! Let’s jump into today’s ‘”Chan Select”! This week we have another Paris-based pick. Something that is helpful when moving is to decompress. Whether that be through going to the gym, prayer, meditation, yoga, all that stuff is great! But another thing that is super helpful to work the stress out, is getting a massage. I know that sounds super bugee, and it probably is, but there are definitely health benefits to it as well.

And so here, just on the outskirts of Paris, in a city called Levallois-Perret, Chris found an amazing massage parlor/Spa called Meishu. I have found that with massage parlors you have to be very careful that everything is on the up and up, and here they are beyond just being on the up and up! In fact, they were “Top Rated” by treatwell.fr (a popular website in France for beauty and wellness) in 2021 and 2023.

Their hospitality is exceptional, they are kind, thoughtful, generous, and let me tell you, their masseurs can find knots you didn’t even know you had. I highly recommend them, even if you are on vacation here in Paris, taking a little timeout and getting a massage at Meishu, would be amazing. There will be a link to their website in the show notes. And once again, I am not an affiliate nor am I being paid to promote them at the time of this recording, I simply think they are amazing and wanted YOU to know about them!

Alright, I think it is time to wrap things up with our quote of the week. I do have to say that there was not a quote after the interview last week. But for interviews there’s so many wonderful things that are said, and I think last week the thought that “language is the key to unlocking the culture you’re in” was the takeaway inspiration.

AND, I have to say that it is so fun to look for quotes to share with you all from other ex-pats. I’m learning so much about some people that I knew very little about, or some people that I liked very much and found out new and inspiring things about them.

This week’s quote comes from actress, Audrey Hepburn. She was born in Brussels, Belgium in 1929 and during her childhood lived in Belgium, England, and the Netherlands. And as an adult she lived as an expat in the United States, Italy, and Switzerland. She was not only an award-winning actress winning an Oscar, a Tony award, Golden Globe awards, and BAFTAs, but she was also a great humanitarian, working with UNICEF.

Her quote today is not about beauty, grace, or fashion, but about people. Audrey said, “Nothing is more important than empathy for another human being’s suffering. Not a career. Not wealth. Not intelligence. Certainly not status. We have to feel for one another if we going to survive with dignity.”

And that rings so true with our episode today, because honestly Sometimes when you’re an expat, that feels like all you’re doing. Surviving. Especially in the beginning. You’re just surviving. So why not have some empathy and try to help others survive along their journey.

Okay I said that this was going to be a light episode, but then I ended on a bit of a heavy note. Sorry about that, but such is life sometimes!

I’m going to wrap things up today, but first I wanted to ask two favors. One, if you have already followed or subscribed to Expatriotical on your podcast app, would you please take a moment and rate the show or even give it a review? That really helps our community here to grow, little by little, and I really appreciate it!

And the second things is, I would love to hear from you on Instagram! I want to know what is one of the kindest most wonderful things someone has done for you as an expat? Or, I will even extend this to when you were the new person in town in your own country, what was one of the kindest things someone ever did to help you as you were transitioning into your new environment?

Please DM me at @Expatriotical on Instagram or put the kind deed done in the comments of the post for this episode. Thank you all so much for listening! I cannot wait to meet you here again next week! But until then, this is Chandra Alley, reminding you to “Live and Travel in the know with Expatriotical”!